Waiting

by Ha Jin

Found this book at a sidewalk sale in my old neighborhood. It was hot, there was a lack of air-conditioning at my own house, and I remembered my friend T.'s fondness for National Book Award Winners while I was trying to spend as much time as possible outside of my house. I finally sat down and finished it over the last week, and it was a good distraction, even if it didn't particularly give me hope or peace.

The quote on the cover calls it "A suspenseful and bracingly tough-minded love story." It is tough love story. But it made me sad, in that no one ever really gets what they want. They want what they used to have, or what they think is possible in the future. Not what they have right now. Which, I guess, is fine in the short term, but for 18 years? It's hard, all the waiting. But it's an interesting story of patience, and hope, and relationships. It reminds you that everyone stumbles around, doing the best they can. Only in this book, they spend a lot of time hurting each other in the process.

"From that day on, an emotional tug-of-war was waged between them. Lin was accustomed to being alone, so he didn't go and look for Manna. He wanted pece of mind. Yet whenever she came into sight, he couldn't help looking at her. She seemed aware of his attention and always kept her face away from him. She laughed more than before, especially in the presence of other men, and her neck grew straighter. She wore shirts of bright colors and a pair of new leather shoes. Like some other young nurses, she began using Lily Lotion, the most expensive kind of vanishing cream. In the evening she often played badminton with others in front of the bathhouse, as though all of a sudden she had become a young girl again, full of energy and life.
Never had Lin thought she could be so headstrong. He felt miserable and often breathed with difficulty, as though a weight of lead were jammed into his chest."

"As Lin calmed down, a voice rose in his head and said, Do you really hate her?
He made no reply.
The voice continued, You asked for this mess. Why did you marry her?
I love her, he answered.
You married her for love? You really loved her?
He thought a while, then managed to answer, I think so. We waited eighteen years for each other, didn't we? Doesn't such a long time prove we love each other?
No, time may prove nothinng. Actually you never loved her. You just had a crush on her, which you dind't get a chance to outgrow or to develop into love... Let me tell you what really happened, the voice said. All those years you waited torpidly, like a sleepwalker, pulled and pushed about by others' opinions, by external pressure, by your illusions, by the official rules you internalized. You were misled by your own frustration and passivity, believing that what you were not allowed to have was what your heart was destined to embrace."